Going to Mortlake ?

Meatloaf, Maltloaf, Mortlake, Saltlake.
Saltlake, Swanlake. It's too late.
We've missed the Eighty Eight.
Got to walk to Mortlake.

Stagnate, Germinate, wake up, Agitate.
The Eighty Eight is running late.
We'll never get there at this rate.

Mortlake, Maltloaf.
You trod on my toe,
you clumsy oaf.
Nothing much to celebrate.
We've got to walk to Mortlake.

Mortlake, Malteze.
More teas? Yes please.
My bus pass is out of date.
Got to walk to Mortlake.

Mortlake, Mortify.
I could cry. I want to die.
It's bad enough being late.
But turning up in this state!

Going to Mortlake?




CapabilityRed aprox 1990

The Ballad of the Poisoned Dwarf

There once was a lad named Richard, who wasn't very quick.
He was a bit slow on the uptake, so his friends all called him'Dick'.
He got a job on the buses, but he wasn't very tall.
So he applied to be an inspector, 'cos he couldn't drive a bus at all.
He thought he'd grow a beard, to make himself look tough.
But he looked more like a 'Poisoned Dwarf', he just wasn't big enough.

He booked crews for running early, or taking over late.
Or; leaving a bus unattended, he really thought it was great.
The Poisoned Dwarf had power, he told the crews who was boss.
But what he couldn't comprehend, was that nobody gave a toss.
He applied to become a 'Gold Badge', and it really caused a commotion.
When he started booking crews, 'cos he couldn't get his promotion.

He wasn't wanted at the top, they could do without the likes of him.
He was advised 'he wasn't suitable', but the Dwarf just didn't fall in.
The saga reached a climax, one murky east end night.
When the Dwarf booked a crew, for running a bus back 'light'.
The Driver leapt from his cab, and woke up his mate with a prod.
And declared "come one Floyd, I've had enough of this little sod".

They stood there face to face. The Dwarf went for his book.
The Driver gave him a 'Glasgow handshake', the Conductor swung a right hook.
It was all over in a flash, the Dwarf got what was comming to him.
But despite the presence of several crews, 'nobody saw a thing'!
So, ask the Poisoned Dwarf, this story has a moral:
A lesson for roadside inspectors: Co-operate. Don't quarrel!



CapabilityRed aprox 1983

Marriage on the Rocks ?

She wakes me up,
hands my letters to me,
says; "there's only three",
she doesn't look at me.

The same every morning,
so regularly,
she speaks to me,
but doesn't look at me.

And I go downstairs,
she says; " I fancy coffee",
but I've already made tea,
she doesn't look at me.

I leave for work,
say 'I'll be home by three',
she kisses me,
but doesn't look at me.

She 'phones me up;
"what d'you want for tea?",
any fool can see,
she doesn't look at me.

We watch the evening news,
on the BBC,
and, although we agree,
she doesn't look at me.

Her Sister calls,
it's a warning to me,
I'm an Uncle to-be,
she doesn't look at me.

She closes her eyes,
as she makes love to me,
what can the matter be?
She doesn't look at me.



CapabilityRed aprox 1980

Door

I've got a door, it was there before, I moved into my house,
and it squeaks like a mouse.
But it opens and shuts, there are no if's and buts.
When it lets me in, I tell it where i've been.
If I want to go out, I never hang about,
I just open my door and go......
Outside.
To the outside world. Where I see:

Bad doors, good doors,
glass doors, wood doors.
Silly aluminium doors.
Grained doors, plain doors,
mad doors, sane doors.
Georgian doors, awful doors,
double doors, troubled doors.
Car doors, bar doors,
near doors, far doors,
the bus driver won't open the doors.
Who'se got a new TV show?
Bloody Diana Dors!

I used to open, I used to shut, but that wasn't good enough.
I let them out, I let them in, you'd have thought I'd commited a sin.
They took me down,
and hung a new Georgian door in my place.
Can't you see, there's nothing I can do,
technically it's an open and shut case.
Oh where did I go wrong?
Perhaps I was too good for too long.

You know; I've got a door,
because I told you before.
Just the same as a ceiling,
a door has feelings.
I hope I've put it to you,
from a door's point of view.
Spare a thought for your door.


CapabilityRed aprox 1977